Dateline - Washington, DC July 28, 2008
Facing a record $490 billion budget shortfall for 2009, the United States today turned over the keys to the White House and entered foreclosure to the People's Bank of China."Its sad to see hundreds of years of history end like this," said George W. Bush, current tenant at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, "This was like our American Dream come true, our dream home. I just wish it didn't have to happen like this. We just couldn't keep our heads above water, what with the fire, and the renovations, and the wars. We just found ourselves slipping more and more in debt. Then we got drunk that one time and gave everyone $170 billion dollars to spend on new TVs, and gas prices kept going up. We finally went under."
Indeed, much of the White House's economic problems can be traced back to the year 1814, when a tragic fire almost claimed the building. As the years and mortgages piled up, so did the debt. Renovations continued throughout the 20th century, and while the economic times fluctuated, the owners of the property were consistenly able to keep up payments, sometimes just barely. Then came the Bush years, and with it, an opportunity to refinance.
"I saw this link one day, on one of the internets I was browsing," Bush explained to the stunned press pool, "It said we could refinance our high interest second and third mortgages into one low monthly payment. So I clicked it, and that's when we learned that the People's Bank of China could help us consolidate our Iraq War debt into the same low rate. I should have known it was too good to be true."
That was, as we know, back in the year 2004, when money was cheap and mortgages were being bought and refinanced all across America. However, once the calendar turned to 2007, the payments on the White House's shiny new loan ballooned. With rising gas prices, and the cost of the Iraq War growing by the day, these extra costs were too much to bear. For their part, the People's Bank of China denies any malicious greed in the negotiations.
"It was all there in black and white, plain as day," says PBC liason Xian Xianxian, "Bush knew what he was getting into when he refinanced the loan. He just seemed happy that we were lowering his monthly payment down so much that he could afford to send 30,000 new troops to Iraq. Its not our fault."
But what will become of the White House now, what does the PBC plan to do with the property?
"I guess we'll see if anyone wants to buy it. I know the Sudan has been eyeing something bigger, now that they've got kids on the way. Iran has been looking for someplace too. But if nobody steps forward, we'll probably just eat the loan cost and put up a parking lot."
For WNN, this is Ifonly Thisreallyhappened reporting.